today // around 6:15 pm I had a missed call from my step dad & not even a second later, my brother John was calling me. I answer the phone & he tells me that he's driving to the hospital & that our mom had a seizure. I collapsed. Nothing like this has ever happened before- I wasn't expecting to hear those words. My older sister Jessica has epilepsy, so there's been a few calls like that, so I had to do a double take when he said "mom". After about an hour of me hysterically crying, trying to figure out how to get home- I found out that she was responsive & getting tests done. I'm more anxious & tense than I've ever been. I would rather feel the pain of child birth a million times over than hear any bad news about my family, especially my mama. I still can't stop crying or wanting to drive through the night to be with her. All of the tests came back negative but they are still sending her to a neurologist this week so they can go more in depth about what caused her seizure. My mom has always been healthy, so this is just a huge shock to me. I still can't wrap my head around it. Things change so quickly! Life is so fragile. That woman is my rock, my best friend. I call her every single day. Living away from her is already so hard for me. I've been through everything with her. I could go on for days about how much I look up to her. She is exactly who I want to be when I grow up. Whenever someone tells me that I look like her, I take it as the worlds greatest compliment. She is everything. 

The only reason I decided to share this was mostly because I needed an outlet, but also cause as much as I want this day to be over & as much as I never want to remember how I felt when I heard the news, it's a reminder to me. I'm so glad that I never hang up the phone without telling my family how much I love them, or miss them. Life can change in the blink of an eye. 

While all of this was going on, I caught myself thinking of so many different memories I've had with her because I needed to picture her anywhere but that hospital. We have been on so many adventures & I'm sure we will go on many more. 

Be strong, mama. I love you so much.

one year

Embrace it. Every single moment. As much as I believe in embracing every single moment, I feel like this past year has still flown before my eyes. I wish I could remember every single second, every feeling, every newborn cry, every call to my mom, every late night, literally- every moment. I have been so overwhelmed with happiness & emotions. I was made for this. I have no doubt in my mind that motherhood is my calling. He has changed me for the better, & he continues to do so, every day. Some days I feel like I can't keep up, I'm not doing enough, not pushing my workouts hard enough, or not reading him enough books, but I have to remind myself that he loves me, no matter what. The older he gets, the more love he shows me. I completely melt when he gives me loves. He lays his head on my chest, wraps his arms around me & looks into my eyes, giving me the sweetest grin I've ever seen. This. This is what I was made for. No moment has ever added up to be as great as being his mama. I feel like we are the only people in the world when that little boy has his arms wrapped around me. As cheesy as it sounds, it's the truth. I love this life. Being his mom. Spending every second with him. Making memories. This year was amazing, & I'm excited to see what the next one brings. I love you, Hudson Jase.