today // around 6:15 pm I had a missed call from my step dad & not even a second later, my brother John was calling me. I answer the phone & he tells me that he's driving to the hospital & that our mom had a seizure. I collapsed. Nothing like this has ever happened before- I wasn't expecting to hear those words. My older sister Jessica has epilepsy, so there's been a few calls like that, so I had to do a double take when he said "mom". After about an hour of me hysterically crying, trying to figure out how to get home- I found out that she was responsive & getting tests done. I'm more anxious & tense than I've ever been. I would rather feel the pain of child birth a million times over than hear any bad news about my family, especially my mama. I still can't stop crying or wanting to drive through the night to be with her. All of the tests came back negative but they are still sending her to a neurologist this week so they can go more in depth about what caused her seizure. My mom has always been healthy, so this is just a huge shock to me. I still can't wrap my head around it. Things change so quickly! Life is so fragile. That woman is my rock, my best friend. I call her every single day. Living away from her is already so hard for me. I've been through everything with her. I could go on for days about how much I look up to her. She is exactly who I want to be when I grow up. Whenever someone tells me that I look like her, I take it as the worlds greatest compliment. She is everything. 

The only reason I decided to share this was mostly because I needed an outlet, but also cause as much as I want this day to be over & as much as I never want to remember how I felt when I heard the news, it's a reminder to me. I'm so glad that I never hang up the phone without telling my family how much I love them, or miss them. Life can change in the blink of an eye. 

While all of this was going on, I caught myself thinking of so many different memories I've had with her because I needed to picture her anywhere but that hospital. We have been on so many adventures & I'm sure we will go on many more. 

Be strong, mama. I love you so much.

one year

Embrace it. Every single moment. As much as I believe in embracing every single moment, I feel like this past year has still flown before my eyes. I wish I could remember every single second, every feeling, every newborn cry, every call to my mom, every late night, literally- every moment. I have been so overwhelmed with happiness & emotions. I was made for this. I have no doubt in my mind that motherhood is my calling. He has changed me for the better, & he continues to do so, every day. Some days I feel like I can't keep up, I'm not doing enough, not pushing my workouts hard enough, or not reading him enough books, but I have to remind myself that he loves me, no matter what. The older he gets, the more love he shows me. I completely melt when he gives me loves. He lays his head on my chest, wraps his arms around me & looks into my eyes, giving me the sweetest grin I've ever seen. This. This is what I was made for. No moment has ever added up to be as great as being his mama. I feel like we are the only people in the world when that little boy has his arms wrapped around me. As cheesy as it sounds, it's the truth. I love this life. Being his mom. Spending every second with him. Making memories. This year was amazing, & I'm excited to see what the next one brings. I love you, Hudson Jase.

She,

In the dark, 

Found light,

Brighter than many ever see.

She,

Within herself,

Found loveliness,

Through her soul's own mastery.

And now the world receives,

From her dower:

The message of strength,

Of inner power. 

// - Langston Hughes 

slow process

I slacked off quite a bit during the holidays & I am definitely paying for it now! I still weigh less than I did before the holidays, but I don't even care about the numbers on the scale! Feeling confident & sexy is really all that matters! I have been back on track (for the most part) & it is kicking my butt. I'm trying to change it up every week- rotating between lifting, HIIT, yoga/Pilates, cardio, etc. I can already see a huge difference. I get bored pretty quick if I only stick to one type of exercise! The closer spring gets, the more motivation I have! I can't wait to go running outside again & do outdoor workouts with my little guy playing in the grass! 

I think, like most people, it's hard to be patient with yourself! It's hard to keep pushing, waiting for big results! That's why I'm glad I threw my scale away. It's so easy to become obsessed with that stupid number. After having Hudson, my body has changed! I never knew what it was like to have no muscle in my belly. I didn't know what it was like to look frumpy in workout clothes or have to tuck my loose belly into stretchy pants & cover up with a big sweater. It sucks! I give props to all the people who have pushed through, cause seriously, eating some donuts & watching Netflix just sounds so much better sometimes. But I've witnessed so many people power through & become the happiest, confident, people. So it's worth it!! It's a long, slow process. But there is a light at the end of a tunnel. Hopefully one that leads to being fit & also eating a donut. Haha balance. Balance is key. 

staying positive

We just moved back to North Dakota, unfortunately. I have been trying my hardest to stay positive about this decision. The job opportunity for Shawn is worth it, & winter is slowly turning into spring, so it's the perfect time to move. I am excited because we have friends here & it'll make the summer much more fun! I just don't really like this state unless it's warm, because it is so boring & there's no beauty to enjoy during all the snow storms & car accidents! I'm used to enjoying snow by looking at my big beautiful mountains, in Utah. Living here makes me more homesick for mountains. I'm just hoping it starts warming up so we can play outside again. 

Through all my mood swings about this move, I decided to start this week off on a positive note. //

My day has been so much better. I've been so happy & positive. Shawn started his new job - & we have been cuddled up by the heater all day. I'm laying here while Hudson naps, thinking about all the places I want to take him when it's warm out, imagining his excitement when our friend's dog has her puppies, catching tiny catfish at the pond, & bringing him the zoo we went to when I was pregnant with him! There's so many moments we miss out on by having a bad attitude. I've decided to make this move a positive thing. I'll be starting my classes in the next few months, Hudson's first birthday is next month, it's tax return season & every day is closer to summer time. 

friendship

It feels like ever since I found out I was pregnant- some friendships grew stronger & others slowly weakened. I tried my best to stay positive & attempt to keep putting my best effort towards those friendships but the closer I got to welcoming Hudson into the world, the less I cared to put my energy into friendships that were one sided. It's exhausting! During pregnancy, you are already going through so much & gaining a beautiful relationship with the baby growing in your belly. That connection becomes the most important & other relationships become so small compared to it. 

Now that he's here, he is my very best friend. It's hard to imagine even a minute without him. I spend my days reading to him, teaching him, bringing him on adventures, cuddling with him, nursing, & embracing every single moment I can. Don't get me wrong, it's not always perfect & some days, I just need a break. But when I get those breaks, I want to confide in friends who want to be apart of my life & listen to me vent occasionally. It doesn't happen very often - cause I don't share many personal problems with people. I always strive to have balance in my life, on top of trying to make myself a better person/wife/mother every day. Some days are waaaay better than others! I think having such a positive state of mind can be annoying to people who are negative. So maybe that's why some of those friendships fade away. Who knows - maybe it's just part of growing up. All I know is, I want friends who love me & my family - through & through. Not just fair weather friends.

I only have a select few who are my forever friends, the ones I know I'll be sharing all my motherhood years with -  ones I can call crying, ones who ask me about how my baby is doing, ones who will always, always be there. I'm blessed to have the amazing, genuine friends I do have. These days, women seem to compete about everything- especially when it comes to motherhood. I just don't understand it though. Every person is different- so why wouldn't every woman mother differently. There isn't just one way. I have gotten advice from so many different women. I take bits n pieces & use their knowledge daily. I wouldn't have it any other way. I just hope to be only surrounded by the best, even if it's only a few. I also hope that I can always strive to be a better friend, listen more, & help as much as I possibly can. 

My heart is so full. The past few days I've been reading the most heart breaking stories about babies/children with all different severe illnesses & mothers who have lost their pregnancies/children. I can't help but catch myself crying randomly or saying prayers for them & their families. I feel so deeply for them. I can't even imagine going through that type of pain. Especially after having a healthy pregnancy & baby boy. Life is so fragile. I think that's why I chose to be so positive & honored through my pregnancy. I was terrified of losing him- because I had miscarried the year before. It was one of the hardest experiences I had ever gone through, but my experience seems so small compared to these women who have lost their children. 

I pray for them every night. I ache for each & every family who has experienced such an immense loss. I lose sleep over reading these stories. I wish so bad that there was a way to help- to ease the pain or comfort them in some way. 

Every day, I remind myself to be patient & to feel blessed for the amazing experience I had being pregnant, giving birth, & raising my sweet boy. If there's anything I've learned, it's that time flies in the blink of an eye. I've learned that there will come a day where my baby will be grown, & I won't get to spend my days staring into his big brown eyes while I nurse him. I appreciate every moment. I have to- because don't want to miss a thing. This is my greatest accomplishment & blessing. I thank God every single day for this life.

// image found on Pinterest

yoga + meditation

I have been practicing yoga since I was about 17. It has helped me through so many different phases of my life. It was my way of finding myself, my inner peace. I have never really used it as a workout! I started out just stretching, before bed & random throughout the day. Then I started lighting candles & meditating at night. At first, I laughed at myself - sitting there in silence, saying "om" but it didn't take me long to realize how beneficial it was. Everything got silent, & I started teaching myself to shut out the world. Of course, I'm not master at meditation - but I've gotten better & better over the years!

I didn't realize how important yoga & meditation was to me until I had Hudson! My body was so different! My balance was off, my legs weren't flexible, & I could barely do a solid twenty minutes of stretching. But I kept at it! Even when Hudson was brand new- I would get him to sleep, then do my yoga poses in the dark, just to help myself wind down. There has been so many times that I've just wanted to go to bed or sit down & eat cookies - but I remind myself how much better I feel after. Even if it's just meditating for a few minutes! I need it. I have to calm my body & mind. 

Now that it's a new year & I'm feeling back to my old self, I want to become a more advanced yogi. I have already been practicing every day & hope to attend some classes when Shawn has a day off to watch Hudson! I have never actually taken a class. So I know I'm in for an amazing experience! I bet I have a lot more to improve on than I even realize! I will start posting photos of my progress.i can't wait to see how much better I will get by the end of the year! 

\\ 10 months

I don't even know where to begin!! This boy is a ball of energy & fun. The older he gets, the more his personality develops & I absolutely love it!! He is hilarious! Lately he has been doing anything to make us laugh! He fake laughs, throws his head back, leans over like he can't handle the laughter & even claps his hands. He knows how to wave, say "hey" & points at things he wants or just random things in the air. He loves American flags, balloons, & women. Oh man- I am in for it, you guys. He is such a flirt! We went to dinner the other night & the waitress was hysterically laughing every time she came to the table. He would watch for her, wave, flash her his big toothy grin & bang on the table. I love how happy he is! Everywhere we go, he makes new friends. I've never known such a beautiful, energetic little spirit!

During his 10th month, he got his first stomach bug. It was so sad - it broke my heart to see him that way. I was so glad that it only lasted 24 hours! While he was sick, he also cut 4 top teeth! So he has 6 now! He still doesn't like very many solid foods other than organic yogi bites, applesauce, sweet potatoes & any type of fruit! I'm not pushing too much on getting him on lots of food. We do everything at our own speed & he is still nursing like a champ. 

Dislikes - wearing clothes, having socks on (like his mama), being told "no!", mashed potatoes, being put down when he's tired or just waking up, when I take anything from him, & barking dogs.

Loves- cabinets, anything that has wheels or he can push, anything he can use as a drum, appliances, old remotes, pretending like he's driving the car, pillows, peek-a-boo, & cuddling with mom n dad when he's sleepy. 

He has taken about 10 steps on his own. We practice every day! He gets so excited & starts waving his arms around that he usually falls down. Haha he's really slow n steady with his walking tough- he doesn't just take off. He practices balance with each step he takes!

Every age has been so much fun- I love having new adventures & being able to do more with him & watch his personality grow! He is so contagious - it makes this journey that much more fun! I love my happy, crazy, little cub.

fearless

So I've always gone back & forth about how much of my life I share on social media & my blog. Not because I care about people's opinion of me & my family, but because it terrifies me not knowing who sees it. Because of things I experienced as a child, I have a problem trusting people & how much I share with them. But, lately I have felt so strongly that I should be more fearless. I can't stop writing & documenting because I'm scared sometimes. When I look back & read my posts about my pregnancy, I'm SO glad I shared as much as I did. It helps me relive those precious moments. 

I have been so inspired by some of the blogs I've been reading lately. I love finding new mom's to follow & learn from. I find little things to take from each one of them, to help me be a better mother. I hope to inspire other women the exact same way. 

I think that I get scared to share my opinion or outlook, but I've decided that if someone doesn't like it, they can just stop reading. I can't wait to start sharing more experiences with all of you!